I might be pregnant..

I’m back at my highest weight. 195 exactly. I need get lower. i’m def working harder now.

I always mess up. I was doing so good and i just messed up. Oh ad yesterday, i purged. I’m such a fucking screw up.

Let’s start in the beginning.. about a week or so ago my sister and i decided to go on a diet together. She has amazing self control and she sticks to every diet.. Me on the other hand not so much. So i thought she could help me stick to mine. Sooner or later she started doing everything with her boyfriend (exercise wise) and just kinda left me.. then she started losing weight and you could already see it on her and she started bragging about it. That’s the night that i lost it. I just started eating everything but instead of purging i just worked it all off till 3 in the morning. & then yesterday she was telling me how i’ll never get skinny and no one wants a fat model and i’m ugly and crap. I couldn’t take it so i ate so much and then i purged.

I’m such an idiot. Why can’t i just be fucking smart. I need to actually stick to a diet or a fast or anything. I try o hard but i never succeed. Maybe i should just give up on everything… I don’t want to give up but i just can’t do it anymore. Everything sucks. I’m never gonna change.

But i am determined to win this battle. I will be skinny. From now on i’m living off of fruit, water and saltine crackers. I can do this. I know i can. I just need to work even harder. I don’t care how bad it is, but i’ cutting back big time and i couldn’t be more happy.

I’m so scared that i won’t get anymore modeling jobs because i’m not skinny..

But i don’t remember anything about it and we need to be able to run a mile in under 8 minutes. WTF. i can’t do that. I need to start working on that so i can try out next year!

I’m so sick and tired of feeing like crap every single day. It’s time to step up my game. Time to stick to my diet, work out every morning and every night no matter how sore i am, start practicing my volleyball so i can try out for next year, and just be happy again.